If you die in your dream...

I've actually had several dreams where I've died or am dying or where I fall and almost hit the ground (and thus would obviously DIE).

All of them are weird.

However, I had another dying dream last night that was particularly interesting for a few different reasons:

First - I committed suicide. I did this because the world was going to end anyway, and why not just choose your time yourself? And also my brother Peter encouraged me to do it (because he did it too). We committed suicide by ingesting some sort of something that caused our abdomens to burst. Yeah. Pretty graphic. I know. Thank goodness that when my time came for my own abdomen to explode I didn't really notice because, you know, I died.

Second - When I died, I was completely convinced that this was the for real, actual, no-fooling, this-is-NOT-a-dream, I-really-am-dying type of dying. It crossed my mind that maybe this was a dream, and then I thought to myself, No! This is really really for real. Really. And then I proceeded to the afterlife.

Third - The afterlife was particularly interesting because A: I was skinny and B: everyone I met was skinny and young and their best possible selves and were also all members of my home ward in Utah. Which, now that I think about it, is really odd because none of them have actually died. So, I talked with several of them and tried to figure out what my existence would be like as a dead person and whether I was damned for committing suicide when the world was going to end anyway.

Interpretation:

Oh. My. Grief.

Well, just so you know, I am NOT, I repeat NOT contemplating suicide, particularly if it involves taking some sort of substance that causes your abdoment to burst because--hey--GROSS, and also my waking philosophy says that I would stay alive for as long as possible even IF the world was about to end, so THERE.

Other than that, I have been thinking a bit lately about what happens when we die and whether I really believe in an afterlife in my core heart of hearts. I think this dream was my attempt to convince myself that, yes, there is an afterlife, and also people who love you for who you are will be there to welcome you. And also, you will be skinny.

Which is obviously something that I want and that would be really great. And that maybe I think I won't have until after I die? How sad is that?

Um...I don't really know other than that. This was a really, really, really weird one.

Disturbing

Uhhhh....

So, I've had this dream a couple of times where I found out that my dog has eaten a person, either a family member or a stranger.

It's...

It's pretty dang creepy.

Interpretation:

I don't even want to know.

So, sometimes I dream in Martian...

Finally! Another dream I can blog about! (I keep forgetting my dreams / not thinking my dreams are interesting enough to write down.)

This morning I dreamed they discovered life on Mars ('they' being the scientists in charge of the upcoming expeditions to Mars, I guess). And I proved to myself that I really do dream in color. Because I could see this little playpen-like enclosure made of black tarp that curved on stakes around the area where they had found life. And I could see the red dust of the Martian landscape underneath it. And it was red! It was! Well. You know. Kind of rusty-red, the way Martian landscapes should be.

So... I don't actually remember much else about the dream, except that the life they discovered was microbial in nature and that everybody was having this huge discussion about how now they wondered whether life first originated on Mars and was then blown off in a comet impact or something and thusly traveled to Earth.

It was a very scientific dream.

Interpretation:

Um... I saw something on TV the other night about a mission to Mars? And I thought it was interesting?

Oh! Oh! I got it! I just got a job and I'm feeling hopeful about things I haven't felt hopeful about in some time. (Like actually having money for food.) Thus, life appearing in a place previously thought to be barren.

Ha! I'm so good at this.

Toothsome

What is up with these tooth dreams?!? Seriously.

This time it was just one tooth, one of my canines. It had broken and part of it was kind of hanging there, attached to the rest of the tooth by some sort of weird skin-like flap. (Skin of my teeth indeed.) My main concern was that I knew I had to get this tooth fixed and I didn't have any kind of insurance and pretty much no money. I was really quite distraught over it and I kept thinking how nice it would have been if it were all a dream.

And then after being awake for awhile this morning I remembered the dream and was grateful that it was just a dream.

I find that in many of my tooth-breaking dreams I now have similar thoughts, like: Oh no! I'm not dreaming; this time it's real! I wonder if it's simply because I'm now aware that I have these tooth-problem dreams pretty frequently, so that awareness creeps down into the dreams themselves. Except I'm never able to grasp that it really is a dream; if I could, maybe I could start flying around or something.

I do like them flying dreams better than these broken-tooth dreams. Yeah. Like, really.

Ohandalso I dreamed about getting really, really lost with my younger sister Becky. I can't remember if it was part of the same dream or not, but I think it was.

Interpretation:

Huh. Same as always: lack of control, anxiety (specifically about insurance & finances at the moment) and so on and so forth.

And the getting lost? Pretty much because I've realized since moving here that the infallible sense of direction I thought I had is complete and utter bunk.

Snippets

I had a dream this morning before I woke up. I know I did. I just...can't really remember it.

All I have now are vague snapshots of the dream, such as cupping roses in my two hands and inhaling their rich scent, or going through a multi-leveled library in search of something...

And that's about it. Bah. Darn forgetting-inducing alarm clock.

Interpretation:

Okay. There just simply isn't enough to go on here, but at least I know what the rose thing is from. It's similar to what Beauty does in Robin McKinley's Rose Daughter (which I started to reread but didn't finish because my sister is borrowing it) when she discovers roses for the first time and cups them in her hands as if they were (I believe this is how it's worded) the face of her sweetheart. Nice image. Apparently I wanted to do the same thing because, man, I was seriously into those roses in the dream. (At least...I seem to recall that I was...)

Parking lots and pits

Here's one I woke up from this morning...

In the dream, I'm in a parking lot that's almost exactly like one I saw in Chicago. (It was a parking lot for the metro station line that ran to Chicago, you see. For some reason it was indelibly impressed on my brain cells...?)

Anyway--so I'm in this parking lot, and apparently I'm supposed to pay for my parking space by going over to a booth-type dealie and finding a slot that's marked with the same number as my parking stall number (which happens to be 273) and insert a $10 bill into said slot. Phew!

I also have some guy with me (I knew him in the dream, but my waking self has no idea who he is) and three African American kids: a little boy, a little girl, and a baby boy. These kids are apparently nieces and nephews, which I only know because I refer to my mom as 'Grammy' while talking to them at one point, and I also know (the way you know things in dreams) that they're not my kids.

Anyway--I go to the booth (mentioned above) and I can't find number 273. The numbers go up only so far, and they don't get that high. Rather panicking, I dash off to the other end of the parking lot where there's another booth to see if my number is there, but it isn't.

(By the way, while all this is happening, I keep falling into these pits that are in the middle of the parking lot. Go figure.)

Then I finally see yet another booth that's actually located right by where I was parked (but which, necessarily, I didn't see until late in the dream). So, I run over there and, sure enough, there's number 273 next to a nifty little slot.

A woman comes up to me as I'm fishing around for a $10 bill in my purse and explains that she's an employee at the parking lot and that, because of all the trouble I went through, I'll only have to pay $1.50 and she'll cover the rest. (Except, somehow, I end up having to pay the whole amount later anyway.)

So, I go back to the car, where the three kids and this guy are waiting for me and we prepare to go off to the zoo (where, I say to the kids, we will see lions and giraffes and...some other animal I can't remember now).

The End.

Interpretation:

Uuuuuuummmmmm... Well... For starters, there's this thing I have about the number 273. You see, it's a very significant number to me because it's the number of times...I've...coughed...in the last year. No, 6 months. The number of times I've coughed in the last 6 months.

Yerg.

No, I think this one may have to do with my tired brain coming to a realization that, despite all my stress about moving & finances & changes happening in my life, things really will work out in the end. And I'll get to show my nieces and nephews those grand ol' giraffes after all.

What's up with all this anxiety???

Holy--what's up with all of these anxiety dreams???

This morning I woke up from another doozy. (Well, not a real doozy, I guess. Just kind of a sort-of-doozy. A fake, or pseudo-doozy, if you will.)

This time, I was driving out to Boston in (what I believe was) a U-Haul truck, which I have determined is probably the cheapest way for me to get out there (although at $1600 buckaroos I'm pretty hesitant to call it cheap).

First of all, in this dream, I kept taking the wrong road...like I would head south when I was supposed to go north, or I couldn't find the freeway after I exited (foolishly) to find foodstuffs. Also, every time I stopped, there was some sort of evil magician or sorceress threatening a group of young children, so necessarily, I'd have to stop and give assistance, battling axe-weilding giant trees with my summoning of cranky flying pilot whales. (Oh, you think I jest???)

Finally, we (I now have two siblings with me, for some reason) arrive at a city that's completely frozen over from this terrible ice-storm. Then I find out that we're in New Orleans. (Why New Orleans? Just. Don't. Ask.) I realize that we're terribly off course, so I keep trying to figure out which direction we need to go to A: get out of town and B: get somewhat more north of there.

Oh, and also, I keep falling asleep at the wheel. (Of course, this part may have come from the fact that I was trying to wake up from the dream so I could get out and (HA!) exercise this morning, but I just wasn't able to drag my lazy self away from my covers.

So, done.

Interpretation:

Last night, I felt much more directionless than I feel tonight. I mean, I had a direction, I guess, it was just studded (quite generously) with uncertainties such as, oh, how on earth I'm going to pay for everything and how I'm going to get out to Boston and when I'm going and who's going with me and what route we're going to take...

Things were a mite bit upheavaly.

However, tonight, I feel much more at peace about the whole thing. (And I found out I've gotten loans enough to cover all my tuition expenses, and remain in debt for roughly the next 20 to 80 years, which, oddly enough, has put my mind considerably more at ease.)

So, when I sleep tonight, I will not dream about pilot whales nor freeways that turn into taffy. (Oh. Forgot to mention that part.) I'll dream about unicorns again, I'm sure, which opens up another nice large and smelly bucket o' worms.

Helpin' them little critters

So, this morning I dreamed that I was watching a penguin give birth. Except that, of course, it didn't lay eggs; it gave birth to live babies, all mammal-like (and the fact that it proceeded to nurse said babies means that I really should have paid more attention in biology).

The only problem was that, of course, this mama penguin couldn't care for all her young. So, because this is part of nature, she pushed 6 of her 7 babies away from her and onto the cold snow. Of course, not wanting these penguin babes to perish, I hurried after them and watched as they confidently slid on their bellies (penguin-style) down the snow and kind of gathered around me expectantly.

I said something to the effect of: "Okay, guys! Let's build an igloo!" Because, of course, I am way top-notch in my igloo-building skills. And also penguins normally live in igloos; you just don't hear about it on those nature shows.

And then I woke up.

Interpretation:

I really couldn't say. I could guess, of course, and my guess would be that the mama penguin represents my own desire for motherhood, and my taking care of penguin babies means that I'm a pretty darn good auntie, and the igloo represents...my...house? But other than that, I have no clue. Again.

Er...Black Unicorns?

Okay. First of all, I want to make it clear that I do not normally dream about unicorns.

In fact, I havne't had a unicorn dream since I was twelve, I believe. (Actually, I have no idea how long it's been.)

But this morning I did. And it was weird.

Here's the description of it I just wrote down. (Sorry that it's in 2nd person, but what can you do?)

(By the way, I refer to people in the dream as 'characters' simply because it's so story-like. When I'm a disembodied non-participatory presence, I'm just an 'observer.')

Characters in the dream spend the entire first part preparing for battle. Finally the call comes to battle & then you swerve through this building (you’re not a character, just an observer at this point). You see this way crazy funky queen who apparently is a cannibal (she talks about loving the taste of her descendants). She’s really creepy and quite patently evil.

Then, people start coming after her, so she runs away. In her castle are all of these habitats inside of bubbles & filled with water. Each habitat is from a different world and it contains everything the creatures within need in order to survive. She keeps diving into these bubbles to escape her pursuers and she kind of drags the bubbles along with her, creating these super-bubbles around her.

Cut to someone saying that it’s impossible to raise a young alicorn (unicorn). Then this deep, dark voice starts speaking:

“Normally it’s quite impossible. However, they captured me and dyed me black.” Then it starts explaining how it had been tortured and now, twisted and dark, it seeks revenge upon those who harmed it. It makes it clear that all of the battles that had been going on earlier in the dream had been caused by this alicorn putting thoughts into people’s heads. (Alicorn has a gender? If it does, it’s male. But somehow I get the impression that they’re genderless.)

You come across the alicorn as an observer and then someone else, a woman comes across it. She’s pure and lovely, but weak, and you feel a surge of fear that the alicorn will injure her. (The alicorn is lying on its side, legs tucked beneath it. It’s stiff and corpse-like, but the legs can still kick. It’s covered in armor or something metal and the horn is straight for a moment, but then curves slightly down & then up like a scimitar. Beautiful animal, but it too has become wicked and cruel.)

Then, this girl just touches the alicorn’s left hind hoof, and through that touch, the alicorn can feel that this woman is pure and gentle. It allows her to touch it and then the next thing you see, she’s riding the alicorn through a doorway that leads to an entirely different place (different world, perhaps). Not sure where they’re going.

Suddenly, you’re a character again, and other characters from the dream are parting through different doorways. You realize that soon all the doorways will close, and you won’t be able to see any of these people again. You hug them goodbye, explaining that your sister (the woman now with the alicorn) needs you, so you’re going to follow them.

And I woke up.

Crazy. Crazy, crazy. And interesting.

I actually didn't mention above one of the more interesting parts of the dream. At one point (amidst the battle preparations) I was a character & I was going around to different places trying to 'set' places I could teleport to. Apparently (in the dream) I had the ability to be in a certain place, think really hard of a number between 1 and 10, and then, later, if I had to disappear immediately, I could think that number & I would immediately be transported to the location I had 'set' for that number.

Man. I wish I could do that in real life.

Interpretation:

Um... The alicorn obviously represents my frustration with my hair, and the queen is indicitave of...er...toenail polish.

Seriously, folks. I have no idea on this one. I think it was just my brain giving me something entertaining this morning. Ohyeah. And also wacko.

Cause for alarm

I had a dream last night, but I can't remember it, except that it somehow involved the sound of my alarm going off for about 20 minutes.

Interpretation:

I need to get to bed earlier.

Too, too many blogs.

And yet, I need just one more.

Because I keep having these dreams and, while I could post them on my regular blog, I've decided that I don't want to turn that blog into a dream blog. Thus, necessarily, I need a dream blog in which to record said dreams of mine.

For instance...

A few nights ago I dreamt that I was in a classroom for my first day of graduate studies in library science. I was nervous, but excited, and I sat at my desk watching the professor (a venerable 50-or-60 something) write down notations on the large whiteboards at the front of the class.

Finally, the students' chatter died down; it was time to start. While writing, facing the whiteboard, the professor suddenly asked, "So, what is the 'science' part of library science? Beth?"

I froze and my heart stopped.

Holy--I didn't know what the 'science' part of library science was! How do you define that? I mean, is it in cataloguing? Is it in research? Where exactly does science come into library science?

I stammered out a stupid answer and kind of sort of confessed halfway through that I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I sensed tension in the classroom and the professor sighed kind of disappointed-like and another student piped up with the correct answer. Which I didn't hear. Because I was too busy sitting at the desk whispering, "Stupid, stupid!" to myself.

The dream went on from there, but that was the important part.

Interpretation:

This was definitely an anxiety dream. Definitely. It's like those dreams you have where you're about ready to graduate and you realize that you've completely forgotten about a class you needed to graduate except that it's the last day of class and you are SO too late.

This actually makes me kind of sad because it's the first anxiety dream I've had about grad school, and strangely enough, I've felt more nervous (or at least more conscious of my nervousness) than I did before the dream.

Ah. If only anxiety would actually make me do things to prepare. Alas. Procrastination always wins out.